My fake name is Josh Rab Hillard. Sometimes I prefer to go by Rab. This is my journal. The rules are that I am not allowed to edit past material and I am not allowed to delete any thoughts.
Today is March 17, 2012. I am a college student and I was introduced into this world in 1993. I associate the year 1999 with the year when I really began to take notice of things. I think this because I recall walking on the sidewalk in front of my elementary school with my mother and thinking about the year 1999, I am not sure what I was thinking about but it was enough to always remember that moment. If I recall I will share it. September 11, 2001 was the moment in my life that I associated time with. Just like how the world compares years to the birth of Jesus. I look at time as either pre 9/11 or post 9/11. After that day life seemed to speed up. So far I have had to move 3 times in my life. The first time was when I was four. I moved from Vermont to Wilmington North Carolina. Then in 2003 I moved from Wilmington, NC to Weddington, NC which is just southeast of Charlotte. The worst time of my life was 5th grade to 9th grade. I have only had 2 friends since the move to Weddington, and they didn't last very long. The third time I moved was when I left to college. I live in a dorm. It is in Raleigh, North Carolina which is 3.5 hours away from where I really live and where my girlfriend lives which I met in my last year of highschool. It is currently 12:57 PM. I have a sister who is in her 5th year of college in Charlotte and she is dropping out. I have a brother who is making good grades in highschool and is addicted to videogames. I spent the 3rd year of my highschool life addicted to a game called RuneScape. I spent 2,000 hours on it and just a month ago I learned that my account was hijacked and someone got rid of everything I earned. The first time I ever played videogames was with my parents NES. I enjoyed playing Mario, Zelda, and Gradius. I think of myself as a very deep, a loner, and sometimes depressed. In late elementary and middle I thought of myself as someone special, as if I were Neo from the Matrix whose existence was of great importance and would lead to epic achievements. Which I guess is a normal stage in child development. I was diagnosed with ADD in elementary. I took ADD or ADHD medications in late elementary and I stopped taking it as soon as I finished my junior year of Highschool because I had a lot of social and mental problems which I blamed partly on the mind altering medications. I began to develop insomniac problems during my first semester of my senior year. I came to experience the full force of it during my second semester. It was the hardest months of my life. I went to school exhausted every day and frustrated because I would always be able to fall asleep in third period. It was as if my entire internal clock turned at a 270 degree angle. All my life something would happen on my birthdays; whether it was getting sick off of Harry Potter jelly beans that tasted like pepper and buggers, getting sick from excitement or crying on my eighteenth birthday in TGIF after receiving a laptop and getting upset and pissing people off. Just a couple months after that I kicked out my door to my room with my dad on the other side and threatened him with a pocket knife which was the night before my graduation. I had to convince my mom to let me go to graduation after that. During the same school year I had found a girl that I loved, she broke my heart by going out with another guy after we had been friends for a couple months. After she broke up with him I went with her to prom and we became girlfriend and boyfriend on May 5th, 2011. I left for college on August 17th, 2011. We are in a long distance relationship.
Current Status: Listening to In The End by Linkin Park at my desk with my surround sound speakers with my TV on while typing on my laptop with my window open alone like always for I am always alone.
I have always tried to understand myself and other people. I am always trying to understand my own thoughts and the way I am and trying to figure everybody out. I have an easier time digging deep in myself than trying to understand the random people that I walk by. It is 1:19 PM on a Saturday at college and I have nothing to do and no one to go to. Listening to Bully by Shinedown.
The day I broke my door and threatened to kill my father who used to be an engineer but has been making $60k a year off disability because he has MS and left his job after a breakdown, wasn't the first time. The first times I had to push against my door in fear for safety from him was on two occasions in middle school before getting on the bus after antagonizing him.
When I was in elementary school living in Wilmington North Carolina I used to lay in bed and think about death and how scary it is that one day I will die, we all will be dead and there's nothing after that. I used to look at the screensaver on my dad's gateway and watch the stars zip by and picture that as my death. I would see nothing but flying stars forever. I wouldn't be able to speak or move for zillions of years. And I was only several years old. Compared to my life or anyone's life forever is an amount of time that no one can ever properly comprehend but I would try. I used to make myself cry in bed thinking about how that will happen.
I was excited to move from Wilmington To Weddington because I thought I was bullied too much in Wilmington and I was excited to make a new start in a new city. But little did I know my little hyperactive ass would make a huge hit in the snobby town of Weddignton. I was bullied a lot in 5th grade, 6th, 7th was horrible, and 8th. I was a boysout. And even in boyscouts I was bullied. The worst time was when I kind called Tanner Hillis saw me rubbing sand paper on my legs at camp. He thought I was trying to shave my legs which I had done a couple times. So at school he would tell everyone I shave my legs and everybody thought I was gay. Everyone except Matt Mullaly (misspelt last name, not sure how its spelt lost contact with him after he changed schools after 7th grade.) I would sit alone on a bench at recess. Even girls would come up to me giggling asking if I really do shave my legs and if I'm gay. Teachers once sent a group of girls to me to ask if I wanted to play with them. I told them to go because you only came here because she sent you over. They said ok and left. I had been written up and put in detention and been in fights countless times during my elementary and middle school life. I even remember once I snapped in elementary I choked a bully with one of those fat plastic bats during recess on my birthday. I either cried my way out of trouble with the principle and he didn't tell my parents or it was a dream. I'm not sure.
I have good memories. I remember when I was in cub scouts I caught a 36 inch Flounder. I remember biking for the first time around our rental house while waiting for our Wilmington house to be finished being built. And other stuff.
Currently listening to Exo-Politics by Muse. It is 1:36 PM. I am a liberal. I support Gay Marriage, I support animal rights. I love eating meat. I do not have a car. Never had a job. I have applied for hundreds of intro level positions and only word I have ever received was emails saying the position has been filled. I had a fear of driving in middle and early high. But once I conquered it I became reckless. During the driving portion of drivers ed. I had a breakdown while trying to roll down my window to listen for trains while crossing a railroad for the teacher but I couldn't find the switch and I ending up coming to a stop on the tracks with a large dump truck having to halt behind me honking with the teacher yelling at me and ending up crying in the back for a while.
In elementary school I used to joke about killing myself. There was a couple times that I mixed a bunch of chemicals from under my sink into a water bottle and I hid it behind my dresser to see if anything would happen to it after a few days and I would make it seem like I wanted to drink it. Part of me wanted to and the other part was like "Ha! As if I would, I have them fooled." Keep in mind that this was during K-4th grade so I've always been a bit depressed and deep.
Both my parents love me, neither drink or do drugs. My dad smokes but not around us. The think that almost always made me snap was their arguing. That was what fucked me up. Along with being bullied. During middleschool I would come home crying after a hard day and end up screaming at my parents as they screamed at each other all night. My mom would always make threats to leave but neither would. They argued like crazy from late elementary till I left for college. On the last day I told my mom to fuck off I don't need you. And I was happy to leave for school. I chose a school with distance because I needed to get away from it. My sister had the same prob with them as me. She had depression problems in college and had group counseling. My brother also has problems because of it. He is currently still enduring it. As much as I'd like to help there is nothing to do. He is the kind that bottles it all in and now he shows little emotion. He is four years younger than me and he is taller than me and I am around 6'1".
I developed a slight eating disorder during after middle school. I was chubby and everyone made fun of me so I became self-conscious thinking that my looks and actions were why everyone made fun of me so I went from 185 pounds down to 150-155 in a couple years which is my current weight. In my first semester of college I went into engineering for computer science. I failed chemistry 101 which was the first time I ever failed. I dropped out of engineering and am currently trying to get into to college of management for marketing. I had a heavy schedule that was faster paced than I could handle and was alone during my first semester. I didn't have many people I could go to for help. One day I broke down after many hours each day of calculus and chemistry and English papers with no sleep from insomnia with my attention disorder ADD and I went to the student health center. I ending up breaking down and crying to the nurse, she checked by blood for a possible gland disorder for the lack of weight gain, than she asked if I needed to get my prescription of Ambien from them and I said no because my mom mailed me them. She set up an appointment for me with some psychiatrist counseling lady. She didn't help much. I didn't know what to say. I got nothing out of it.
Status: On the phone with girlfriend, listening to Korn song playing, typing, it is 1:58 PM
Conversation short-lived.
I cannot make new friends. I have had many opportunities last semester to make new friends but my self-esteem tells me that they don't really want to be friends and if they try to hint they want to hang out I change the conversation because I don't know how to handle it.
Status: Red Light Green Light by Limp Bizkit. Posting this online.