Many people are facing depression alone. To the point where you just want to give up, because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your hurting, confused, feeling alone, and stuck. Wanting to just give up because you are just so tired. But all you want is to be saved. I know because I've been there. Been struggling to be normal for over 10 years. This is a story of my struggle to live a normal life.

As a child, my parents were always fighting. Always in the middle, making decisions. Who should I go to? What should I do? Will they be mad at me? After years of fighting, my mother had taken me away from my father. Through this tough time for myself, I tried to do everything I could for her. As for my mother, she did try to support me. Stressing out over bills, court, her job, family, and myself. Doing everything she could to keep me safe. It was just her and I. Until a couple years passed. My mother felt that she was ready to move on, to start dating again. At first she was worried about finding someone who would accept the fact she had a daughter. But over time, she started to not even worry about including me in her choices. As months went by, she went on dates and leaving me with family members. She found a man, but he wasn't the good type. He was commanding, rude, strict, and abusive. My mom would let him punish me his way... sexually, mentally, and physically abusing me. Almost every day of the week. She wasn't being a mother at all.

My mother changed when she started dating. She took all her anger out on me. Blinded by love, she let the men she let enter in our life take control. I didn't even know who she was anymore. Day by day, week by week, she would always find something to punish me for. Always being abused. Everyday I would cry for my mom back. She never cared. After a relationship would end, I was her punching bag. Okay, so fast forward to a couple years ahead.... My mom met a new man. Treated her like a queen. Also treated me like a princess. Always going out, taking care of us, taking vacations, and always buying me presents. Everything seemed like it was going to be perfect. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to a couple months ahead... My mom got married with the last guy she dated. That's when the secrets started to pour out. Together they became parents from hell. From tough child labor, abuse, etc. My mom loved him so much, she didn't realize the pain I was feeling. She neglected her only daughter, her first child. Just for this man she loves so much. She was so blinded by love, she couldn't see the pain I was in. I had enough of it all, of that family they were "building". I couldn't handle the sexual, mental, and physical abuse I was in everyday. I wanted out, wanted to quit, leave, whatever you want to call it. I just wanted to end it all.

I tried everything I possibly could just to make them happy and love me. Even thought that taking myself out of their life would make them happy. But once they found out, they told me 'Let us help you dumb***. I'll even show you how." That killed me. Even from the bruises, broken bones, and sprained ankles, I tried to make them happy. It still wasn't enough. My step-dad wanted his own family. Once they found out they were expecting, all they could do was love the unborn baby. Neglected me. Actually, the whole family did. I didn't realize my depression. All I could do was cry every day and night. Research for different ways to take myself out. Eventually, I got tired of trying to make them happy. I was tired of fighting for a life I didn't even want.

I would write journals about my feelings and thoughts. Hiding them where they could never be found. Its just a blur to me now, but I could still remember a few things that happened. My parents were mad at me for some apparent reason. They beat me till I was all shades of blue and purple, turning to an olive black. My right wrist and left ankle was sprained. I had lines from head to toe, from everything they beat me with and threw at me. From ropes, to high heels, hangers, chairs, instruments, etc. I got kicked out of my room and was forced to sleep in the cold and haunted guest room in the guest house. My step dad was going through my room and found my journals. He got so furious and stormed into the guest house. Pulled me to the main house and beat me. My pregnant mother was sitting on the couch, pointing and laughing. They had read and found out I had my first boyfriend. My step-dad tied me to a chair and beat me. Told me they were cutting my long hair so that no boys would ever look at me. All I could do was scream and cry.

I felt like crap. I just wanted to die. My thoughts were just everywhere. By this time, I was just waiting for them to finish me off. I was done.

After all the abuse and everything I've been through, I just wanted to leave. I realized that I didn't want to risk my life just because of my mother. I still had a father who loved me and wants me back. This was the day I put my foot down.

I got in a huge argument with my mom and step dad. I told them how I felt and they told me to leave. I just agreed and packed my bags. Told my mom to drop me off at my dad's. Without hesitating she dragged me in the car by my short hair and drove off. Half way to my dad's house, my mom told me off. Telling me how much she hated me, that she never wanted me, and so much more. I just took it in because I was done with her. But by the time we got to the house, she cried and begged me not to go. I just told her how I felt and she said she wanted to kill me. Coming from my own mother that did hurt. But I was already in hell.

She dropped me off at my dad's house and just started yelling. My family came out and was just confused. But they tried talking calmly to my mom, but she just told everyone off. My mom stormed off and my uncle was trying to call my dad at work. Everything just happened so fast. Next thing I know, I was settling into my new room and crying to my dad. But an hour and a half later, my mother called the cops and reported that my father kidnapped me. All you could hear was sirens going off. Then a knock on the door. Outside you see the cops cars and her fake crying to the cops. The officers pulled me aside and asked me to tell me side of the story. I told them everything from the abuse to me telling my mom that I wanted to live with my dad. She and her husband were charged for child abuse.

My dad brought her to court. Yet, my abusive mother and step-dad still fought for custody over me. The court trial went on for 4 years. The last month of the court trial, I was stressing out if the case would be closed. I just wanted to live a happy and normal life. I was stressed out to the point where I just wanted to feel numb. I took one too many pills. I could still feel the pain. All I could remember is popping more and blacking out at school. I was rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead for 5 minutes. The doctors revived me. I was transferred to another hospital, and the court informed my mother about the accident. My dad and I had no idea that she knew. I was in the ICU alone, my dad went to go get me lunch, when my mom showed up to my room. I woke up and saw her at the edge of my bed. I was scared, shocked, but most of all angry. Every time she would talk or get closer to me, my heart monitor went off the charts. My heart rate was so high, that it just dropped to zero. Alarms went off. Doctors and nurses came in doing everything they could to get it back up. I could still hear everything that was going on. They took a while trying to revive me, but pronounced me dead for another 10 minutes. But they never stopped trying. The hospital called my dad and he rushed in. I just heard mumbles.

After some time, the doctors revived me and kept their eye on me. My mother could not get anywhere near my room or myself. Security escorted her out of the ICU. After that incident, I had strict visitation rules. My attorney payed me a visit and talked about the court trial. Saying I didn't have to attend the court trial since I was hospitalized. As days went by, I was finally discharged and been told that my mother is not allowed to have any contact towards me.

Thinking everything was going to be alright, it wasn't... I changed. I was not choosing the right decisions. Always going the wrong way. Becoming friends who were bad influences and just wasn't good news. As I was trying to get over my clinical depression, and having these friends were just no help. Been this way for 2 years. I never realized it. It was my first year in high school, a freshman. I chose to hang out with the older kids, and got hooked on ignorant choices and ways. It was just the beginning of the year, but I already gave myself a bad name. I was stuck and stressed. I went back into my depression. Trying to find a easy way out. I went back to the pills. But I realized that I didn't want to take my life again, so I went to talk to my school counselor. I told them what I was going through. They saw me as a suicide risk. They kept me and called the district. Did an evaluation and everything and transferred me to a behavioral hospital for a month.

I made much improvements and made many friends. They taught me how to cope with my anger and problems. I became a whole different person. But it was for a couple months. I fell back again. During the summer, I made a new group of so called friends. They pressured me to do things I knew were bad. But I gave in. Which got me in tons of trouble. I was hospitalized again. When I got out, I felt lost and alone. But then I made a new friend, over the internet.

The friends I made when I moved down to my dad's, I thought they would be the good type of friends. But instead, they used me and backstabbed me. In my past relationship, the word b?&$! was used many times, hit, and mistreated. Even when I tried helping others out with their personal problems, they rather listen to someone else who is telling lies about myself and they forget about everything I've done for them. Not once have I asked for a favor in return. When I friend is in need of help, I'm the type of friend who lends a hand. That's just the type of person I am.

I had help from many people. Many were close. many were strangers. I may have lost them along the way, but I still thank them for managing. i know I'm not an easy person to deal with, but they tried. Always reminding me that I should keep my head up. i don't want to end things and a bad term. Also not reach my goals in joining the Marines Corps. The best part of getting better and moving on is the help from my closest friends. Always holding me up.
I could of ended here; but chose to keep on fighting strong. ✝

Based on a true story.
A survivor from abuse of 7 1/2 years. Fighter against clinical depression of 6 years and counting.

If anyone is going through a tough time and just need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me at my email. I will not judge.
Mayjade09@gmail.com